In the midst of a rapid influx of Western culture into our country, there seems to be a renewed interest in our old fashioned approach to romantic love a.k.a. Filipino courtship and dating. This is easily noticeable especially now that local celebrities have been bravely coming out as sexually abstinent until marriage and youth leaders have been actively promoting the virtue of chastity in their circles. Despite its revived popularity, though, some are still confused as to what chastity really means. And it's a pity because chastity is such a wonderful thing and is definitely the way to go if you're searching for real love! So I listed some of the most common misconceptions about chastity, and hopefully we get to dispel them one by one, briefly but adequately. I'm sure my words will not be enough to capture the beauty of this virtue because chastity is better understood when practiced than explained, but I'll do my best anyway. So let's begin.
Misconception #1: Chastity has nothing to do with real love.
Of course, it has! Chastity has everything to do with real love. Chastity is an expression of real love, because, as Jason Evert said, you choose to "do what is best for your beloved, [and] not just what feels good in the moment." While it's easier to give in to temptation, you choose to do what's right even though it's more difficult. You choose to practice self-control to protect the purity of the one you love. Personally, I find that heroic. To know that the one you're madly in love with feels the same way about you that he would take the extra mile to care for you, both BODY and SOUL? Best. Feeling. Ever.
Misconception #2: Chastity is sexual repression.
According to psychology, repression is the "involuntary ejection of shameful emotions and memories from consciousness because they are too painful to bear; it may sometimes result in neurotic symptoms." Obviously, sexual impulses are not shameful because we are sexual beings and these impulses are only natural. However, contrary to what sexual revolutionists believe, we are not mere sexual beings-- PERIOD. We are also beings with reason and free will, and these set us apart from animals that act solely on their instincts. We, human beings, have the capacity to be masters of our urges instead of being mastered by them. So, nope, chastity is not sexual repression; it is freedom-- freedom from being enslaved by our impulses, freedom from sexually transmitted diseases, freedom from being used, and freedom TO truly love.
So don't worry, contrary to the belief of sexual extremists, you won't suffer from neurosis or death when you practice chastity. Just take a look at those who chose to practice chastity and how they now live a happier and healthier life (and love life!) ;)
Misconception #3: Chastity ruins the excitement of dating.
Actually, chastity makes dating even more exciting, because it challenges you to find more creative ways to express your love for each other. Also, you can be assured that someone is spending time with YOU and not just with your body. If you remove the sexual intimacy from the picture, will s/he still stick around? Isn't it exciting to know that s/he loves you for you and not just for what you can give? Lust confuses and clouds one's judgment, but chastity clarifies one's intentions. In practicing chastity while dating, you get to distinguish between those who are driven by real love and those who are just driven by their hormones. Avoid the latter like the plague!
Misconception #4: Chastity is unnecessary if we're getting married anyway.
Then all the more reason to be chaste!
You wouldn't want to jeopardize your marriage early on by engaging in
pre-marital sex, would you? According to a study, men who marry as virgins have
a divorce rate that is 63% lower than non-virgins.[1] In
another one, they found that "those who have premarital sex are more
likely to have extramarital sex (affairs)-- and extramarital sex contributes to
many divorces." [2] And
in a new study in 2014, researchers found that saving sexual intimacy
until the wedding day makes for a stronger marriage.[3] This actually makes sense because
temptations will always be there, whether before or after the wedding. If we
can't resist sexual temptation (in the form of pre-marital sex) prior to
marriage, what makes us think that we would be able to resist it (in the form of extra-marital
sex) once we're married? Being chaste during courtship and engagement trains us
to be chaste in our future marriage. Let us take advantage of this
"training period."
Misconception #5: Chastity is just for single and religious people.
While it's already a given that nuns, priests, and consecrated people have all made a vow of chastity, this virtue is not just for them, but also for married people. In other words, chastity is for everyone! For single people, chastity is expressed by abstaining from all forms of sexual activity, while for married people, it is practiced by being faithful to one's spouse.
This doesn't mean religious people do not have sexual urges, though. They're humans, too; not trees! But here's how they deal with them.
Misconception #6: Chastity and virginity are one and the same.
This is not always the case. You see, not all virgins are chaste and not all who are chaste are virgins. For instance, before their conversion, St. Augustine had a child out of wedlock, St. Pelagia used to be a prostitute, and St. Margaret of Cortona lived with her boyfriend. These saints weren't necessarily virgins, but they converted later on and started to live chaste lives. Even if one has made mistakes in the past and lost one's virginity (or in some cases it was stolen or taken away from them), it is still possible to start anew and save oneself for one's future husband or wife. God makes this possible through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. And the good news about chastity is that it’s a choice anybody can make regardless of one’s past-- virgin or not.
It is also worthy to note that chastity and abstinence are NOT one and the same. Abstinence is simply not having sex. Chastity is using our sexuality according to God’s will and ordering our sexual desires according to the demands of true love. While abstinence focuses on what you CANNOT do and is all about the physical, chastity is about what you CAN do and involves your mind, heart, body, and soul.
Misconception #7: Chastity is no longer applicable in the 21st century.
As St. John Paul II said, "Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love." Therefore, to anyone who believes in true love, regardless of which century one lives in, chastity will always be applicable. Chastity still matters because authentic love still matters and it always will.
I hope that, somehow, I was able to shed some light on these flawed ideas about chastity. What other misconceptions about chastity have you heard of? Feel free to share them in the comments' section below.
1. Edward O. Laumann, et al., The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994), 503.
2. R. Finger, et. al., "Association of Virginity at Age 18 with Educational, Economic, Social, and Health Outcomes in Middle Adulthood," Adolescent and Family Health 3:4 (2004): 169.
3. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/NMP-BeforeIDoReport-Final.pdf
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