The 7 Most Common Misconceptions About Chastity

In the midst of a rapid influx of Western culture into our country, there seems to be a renewed interest in our old fashioned approach to romantic love a.k.a. Filipino courtship and dating. This is easily noticeable especially now that local celebrities have been bravely coming out as sexually abstinent until marriage and youth leaders have been actively promoting the virtue of chastity in their circles. Despite its revived popularity, though, some are still confused as to what chastity really means. And it's a pity because chastity is such a wonderful thing and is definitely the way to go if you're searching for real love! So I listed some of the most common misconceptions about chastity, and hopefully we get to dispel them one by one, briefly but adequately. I'm sure my words will not be enough to capture the beauty of this virtue because chastity is better understood when practiced than explained, but I'll do my best anyway. So let's begin.


Misconception #1: Chastity has nothing to do with real love.
Of course, it has! Chastity has everything to do with real love. Chastity is an expression of real love, because, as Jason Evert said, you choose to "do what is best for your beloved, [and] not just what feels good in the moment." While it's easier to give in to temptation, you choose to do what's right even though it's more difficult. You choose to practice self-control to protect the purity of the one you love. Personally, I find that heroic. To know that the one you're madly in love with feels the same way about you that he would take the extra mile to care for you, both BODY and SOUL? Best. Feeling. Ever.

Misconception #2: Chastity is sexual repression.
According to psychology, repression is the "involuntary ejection of shameful emotions and memories from consciousness because they are too painful to bear; it may sometimes result in neurotic symptoms." Obviously, sexual impulses are not shameful because we are sexual beings and these impulses are only natural. However, contrary to what sexual revolutionists believe, we are not mere sexual beings-- PERIOD. We are also beings with reason and free will, and these set us apart from animals that act solely on their instincts. We, human beings, have the capacity to be masters of our urges instead of being mastered by them. So, nope, chastity is not sexual repression; it is freedom-- freedom from being enslaved by our impulses, freedom from sexually transmitted diseases, freedom from being used, and freedom TO truly love.

So don't worry, contrary to the belief of sexual extremists, you won't suffer from neurosis or death when you practice chastity. Just take a look at those who chose to practice chastity and how they now live a happier and healthier life (and love life!) ;)


Misconception #3: Chastity ruins the excitement of dating.
Actually, chastity makes dating even more exciting, because it challenges you to find more creative ways to express your love for each other. Also, you can be assured that someone is spending time with YOU and not just with your body. If you remove the sexual intimacy from the picture, will s/he still stick around? Isn't it exciting to know that s/he loves you for you and not just for what you can give? Lust confuses and clouds one's judgment, but chastity clarifies one's intentions. In practicing chastity while dating, you get to distinguish between those who are driven by real love and those who are just driven by their hormones. Avoid the latter like the plague!

Misconception #4: Chastity is unnecessary if we're getting married anyway.

Then all the more reason to be chaste! You wouldn't want to jeopardize your marriage early on by engaging in pre-marital sex, would you? According to a study, men who marry as virgins have a divorce rate that is 63% lower than non-virgins.^[1]  In another one, they found that "those who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital sex (affairs)-- and extramarital sex contributes to many divorces." ^[2]  And in a new study in 2014, researchers found that saving sexual intimacy until the wedding day makes for a stronger marriage.^[3]  This actually makes sense because temptations will always be there, whether before or after the wedding. If we can't resist sexual temptation (in the form of pre-marital sex) prior to marriage, what makes us think that we would be able to resist it (in the form of extra-marital sex) once we're married? Being chaste during courtship and engagement trains us to be chaste in our future marriage. Let us take advantage of this "training period." 

Misconception #5: Chastity is just for single and religious people.
While it's already a given that nuns, priests, and consecrated people have all made a vow of chastity, this virtue is not just for them, but also for married people. In other words, chastity is for everyone! For single people, chastity is expressed by abstaining from all forms of sexual activity, while for married people, it is practiced by being faithful to one's spouse.

This doesn't mean religious people do not have sexual urges, though. They're humans, too; not trees! But here's how they deal with them.


Misconception #6: Chastity and virginity are one and the same.
This is not always the case. You see, not all virgins are chaste and not all who are chaste are virgins.  For instance, before their conversion, St. Augustine had a child out of wedlock, St. Pelagia used to be a prostitute, and St. Margaret of Cortona lived with her boyfriend. These saints weren't necessarily virgins, but they converted later on and started to live chaste lives. Even if one has made mistakes in the past and lost one's virginity (or in some cases it was stolen or taken away from them), it is still possible to start anew and save oneself for one's future husband or wife. God makes this possible through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. And the good news about chastity is that it’s a choice anybody can make regardless of one’s past-- virgin or not.

It is also worthy to note that chastity and abstinence are NOT one and the same. Abstinence is simply not having sex. Chastity is using our sexuality according to God’s will and ordering our sexual desires according to the demands of true love. While abstinence focuses on what you CANNOT do and is all about the physical, chastity is about what you CAN do and involves your mind, heart, body, and soul.


Misconception #7: Chastity is no longer applicable in the 21st century.
As St. John Paul II said, "Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love." Therefore, to anyone who believes in true love, regardless of which century one lives in, chastity will always be applicable. Chastity still matters because authentic love still matters and it always will.


I hope that, somehow, I was able to shed some light on these flawed ideas about chastity. What other misconceptions about chastity have you heard of? Feel free to share them in the comments' section below.


1. Edward O. Laumann, et al., The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994), 503.
2. R. Finger, et. al., "Association of Virginity at Age 18 with Educational, Economic, Social, and Health Outcomes in Middle Adulthood," Adolescent and Family Health 3:4 (2004): 169.
3. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/NMP-BeforeIDoReport-Final.pdf

11 Local Celebs Say No to Sex Before Marriage

In a world where we are often bombarded by shallow and deceitful representations of  sex and love, it's inspiring to know that there are still local celebs who speak of Real Love and live it out in their own lives.  They are definitely a breath of fresh air especially in the entertainment industry! They are unafraid to speak their mind and to talk about their values in public, hence setting a good example especially to their young fans. Here's a list of some of our local TV personalities who say no to sex before marriage and yes to Real Love, in their own words:

1. Nikki Gil
On being a virgin: "O, sige, 'yan na ang kapintasan ko! People have said, 'Eh, kasi, lalaki. May pangangailangan.' My point exactly! See? Kung 'yan lang pala ang issue, [he didn't really deserve me]. Nobody told me to stay a virgin, or because I'm a stuck-up prude na holy-holy. It's my choice. I've always been ma-pride. If sex is something I value, [gano'n talaga]!"

2-3. Iya Villania and Drew Arellano
On her personal decision to be remain a virgin until marriage: "But, personally, I do believe that one should not practice pre-marital sex."

On her decade-long abstinence with Drew Arellano: "Yes! Doon ko naman na-confirm na mahal niya talaga ako."

"He was very patient, yes… I mean, it's easy now for me to say because we're married now."

"It's actually nakakatawa. Mas nakakabilib si Drew!" 

"It's actually easy for… which is why ang lakas ng loob ko magsabi. It's easy for girls who [haven't] experienced anything because you don't know what you're missing out on!"

"It all boils down to values"

Iya defends friend, Nikki Gil, from bashers who doubted Gil's claims of still being a virgin

Iya and Drew got married on January 31, 2014.

4. Toni Gonzaga 
On what the foundation of marriage should be: "Naniniwala ako that love should be unconditional. Hindi porke mahal mo ang isang tao, dapat ang kundisyon mo, 'Dapat sexually compatible tayo.' I think that love should be the strong foundation of the marriage, and I think that the trust and the commitment that you want to stay together in the marriage [weigh more]."

Trivia: Toni previously said in a TV interview that she and her boyfriend of over eight years, film director Paul Soriano, have never shared a bedroom to "avoid temptation." 







5. Chris Tiu 
On chastity and real love: "To me, it [chastity] is a manifestation of true love."

"Love involves waiting and sacrificing.  That would make your relationship and your marriage even more special."

Chris Tiu married his high school sweetheart, Clarisse Ong, his first and last girlfriend of 11 years. Though they planned to get married on Mama Mary's birthday, September 8, 2013, it fell on a Sunday in Canada (where they got married) so they had to move it to September 7, 2013.

6. Yeng Constantino 
On setting limits to physical intimacy prior to marriage: "There's no pre-marital sex. Gano'n talaga. No pre-marital sex, iyan 'yung clear na, 'No to it.' Kasi we want to honor marriage. Kasi, 'diba, ang tagal-tagal kang prineserve ng mga magulang mo, nanay mo, papa mo. Lahat ng paggalit, pananakot para hindi ka lumabas ng bahay, pumarty, pero sa isang iglap, 'It's all gone, Ma.'"

"So, iyon 'yung sa amin, iyon 'yung boundary namin. Kasi once na nag-move ka na into physical intimacy, sobrang magbabago na 'yun. It's another level na you have to save. That's for me."

Yeng married her first and last boyfriend, rock band vocalist Yan Asuncion, on Valentine's Day 2015.

7. Jewel Mische
On the purpose of sex: “Alister and I, first and foremost, we believe that sex is God's wedding present.” 

“We believe that sexual intercourse or the physical and emotional union of two people should be a means of celebrating love, producing children and experiencing pleasure together protected by the commitment of marriage.” 

On starting over: “We are both grounded and we believe that sex is for married people. But we messed up also in the past.”

On saving their first kiss: “Now that we have found each other, we are willing to pursue what we think is right. We we will do everything to reach that goal. And ito na, we believe that everything starts with kissing... It's the doorway to physical intimacy. So we said na if we can wait to kiss, then let's wait.”

On waiting together: “Kailangan kasi if you want that, pareho kayo ng beliefs, pareho kayo ng conviction. And now we're helping each other to achieve that."

Jewel Mische and Alister Kurzer got married on March 1st of this year. (Photo: Jewel's Instagram)

8. Megan Young
In a TV interview, Miss World 2013 Megan Young boldly stated her stand on a number of life and family issues.

On pre-marital sex:
“Sex is for marriage, that is my belief.” 

When asked about how she says no to pre-marital sex, she replied: "You just say no. If they try to push you, then you step away because you know that that person doesn’t value you, doesn’t value the relationship as much – and if the guy is willing, you know,  to sacrifice that, then that  means a lot."

On abortion:
“I’m against abortion. I’m pro-life and if it means killing someone who’s already there, then I’m against that, of course. My beliefs are, no abortion.”

On divorce: 
"I’m actually against divorce, because I’ve seen, of course, that in my family. So I think that if you marry someone, that should be the person you should be with forever, through sickness and health, through good and bad, you should be with that person."




9. Miriam Quiambao (Miss Universe 1999 1st Runner-up)
Prior to their marriage, Miriam Quiambao, and her boyfriend, Roberto "Ardy" Roberto, a motivational speaker and author,  made this purity pledge, which can be found on Miriam's Instagram account:

"Let it be known that I, Ardy Roberto aka Mr. Pogi, and I, Miriam Quiambap, aka Ms. U, vow before God to protect each other's purity from this day onwards until the day, by God's grace that we are wed. Therefore, we shall not engage in any act that shall ignite sexual desires or passions prematurely, such as passionate kissing (lips-to-lips), pheromone sniffing or foreplay. The only expressions of affection allowed are: kissing on the cheek, holding hands and hugging or "akbay." I, Ardy Roberto, promise to take the lead in this purity pledge and protect you, Miriam Quiambao, and your testimony. So help us God! In Jesus' name."
(Photo: Miriam's Instagram)

They tied the knot on March 25, 2014.

10. Janine Tugonon (Miss Universe 2012 first runner-up)

On saving sex for marriage: "For me, marriage is sacred. Ngayon kasi, parang nagiging norm na lang, eh, sa tao na, 'Come on, let's do it.' Pero iba pa rin siguro 'yung pakiramdam pag ginawa mo siya after [getting married]."

11. Mariz Umali (GMA 7 Reporter)
On how she was able to save herself for marriage: "If we can't wait for the right time, then I broke up with them."

Mariz Umali married her long time friend and fellow GMA 7 reporter, Raffy Tima, on December 8, 2012, Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! Real Love is so beautiful and it is absolutely worth the wait! May God always give us the grace to keep our relationships pleasing in His eyes and the courage to always keep love real! 

How Romantic Love Messes Up Your Brain (Yup, Pretty Much Like Drugs)

Whenever I give a talk on Courtship and Dating to high school and college students, I often start by asking them how they can tell that they are in love. "How do you know you're in love?" This question never fails to elicit giggles and dreamy sighs from the audience. Obviously, almost everyone of them is or has already been in love. Yes, we are all familiar with that warm, fuzzy feeling we wish would never have to go away. Maybe we have experienced it in our own relationships, whether real or imagined, or even just from watching The Notebook or Titanic. Okay, so now you know what exactly I'm talking about.

It's infatuation, young love, the state of being in love, or simply: romantic love. It's a nice feeling, yes. And when kept under control, it could actually be a good thing. It can inspire us to do well in school or at work and even push us to be the best person we can be. After all, love is supposed to bring out the best in us, right? However, if not managed well, these romantic feelings could be both distractive and destructive, leaving you and your heart in ruins.

The good news is, although heartaches and heartbreaks are inevitable when you truly love, you can avoid the ones that have nothing to do with true love by distinguishing between Real Love and mere infatuation.  So to keep ourselves in touch with reality, it would be helpful to know what science has to say about romantic love.

Apparently, the state of being in love is almost no different from experiencing the high that a person normally gets from taking drugs. In a research conducted by Rutgers University anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, PhD, she used brain-imaging technology to observe the brain activity of several wildly infatuated people and found an overproduction of the potent brain chemical, dopamine.  Dopamine is a neurotransmitter best known for its ability to initiate muscle movement and also for its role in addiction.  But this time, Dr. Fisher's research suggests that this neurochemical also has a similarly important role in triggering the blissfully obsessive nature of romantic love. In Psychology Today, Dr. Fisher says, "infatuation had some of the same elements of a cocaine high" and that it "can overtake the rational parts of your brain." No wonder Princess Anna immediately accepted the marriage proposal of Prince Hans right on the first day they met! She obviously wasn't in her right mind! And science is clearly on Elsa's side on this one.

Other symptoms of infatuation specifically mentioned by Dr. Fisher are, "sleeplessness, loss of a sense of time, and absolute focus on love to the detriment of all around you".  But really, when you're in love, you don't mind all these at all, right? I remember myself posting as my Facebook status when I was so infatuated with my then-suitor-and-now-boyfriend, "'Di bale nang antok, puyat, at gutom, basta't in love." ["Never mind hunger and lack of sleep; love is all that matters"'] (followed by in love emoticon) Thank God I didn't get ill from all those sleepless nights and loss of appetite. You see, I have this theory that when you're in love, your immune system also gets stronger. Ha, ha! I hope Dr. Fisher could do a research on that next time. I did start to get pimples though.

I'm not saying we should deny our feelings of romantic love, but we should not ignore reason, either. We could actually use our reason to temper our emotions because the danger in infatuation is that it is often fueled by fantasy--  you know, like, imagining your wedding day with this guy you hardly know, thinking of your future kids' names and which school they would go to, but on second thought, maybe you will just homeschool them. Just hold it right there! Now quickly check if your excitement is proportionate to the facts at hand. And then go on and enjoy the friendship (or whatever you have right now) and remember that Real Love is so much more than just "kilig," butterflies in the stomach, melting hearts, or strong feelings. Stay in love if you will, but stay realistic at the same time. Good luck!